Funny Fest
by CrimeShowsNumber1Fan
Summary: I started my own random drabbles/quotes story so... hope you like it! Rating was just to be safe later on!
1. Words of Wisdom

**Funny Fest**

**A/N: Hey guys! I wanted to start my own random drabbles/quotes. So here it is!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**Chapter One**

When Tony walked in to the bullpen that day, he saw McGee with his head down, moaning. He walked over to him and sat on the edge of his desk

"McGloom, what happened?" He questioned as he patted his back.

"Undercover assignment. No food. No sleep." He replied slowly, mumbling, but spouting it out in huffs.

"Ah, well Probie you know what they say."

"What?" He asked Tony as he looked up hopefully.

"When you're going through Hell..." He said hurriedly as he rushed back to his desk. McGee tried to throw a paper ball at his head, but it hit his butt instead.

"What?"

"Walk faster." He said with a grin.

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**A/N: So that's something someone I know always says. I thought it's kinda funny. Please tell me what you thought of this, and if you want more. I know this is suuuper short, but I have ideas for longer ones so... thanks for reading, please review!**

**Review= Faster updates**

**No Review= Paper ball being thrown at your butt! Ok, just kidding, but it would be nice!:)**


	2. Drugs

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry I've gotten caught up in other stuff and didn't get to post, but I wrote a bunch, so I'm going to upload six for y'all. Because tomorrow I leave on my trip, so I won't post another until the week of August 4.:( I hope you like them all!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**Chapter Two**

It was a Tuesday afternoon when the elvator dinged and out walked Tony, take-out in hand.

"Is that all you eat?" Ziva questioned as he sat at his desk and she walked over.

"Nooooo..." He replied with a sheepish grin on his face.

She opened his desk drawer to see it full of wrappers, some still had bits of food in them.

"Sure. This is really gross, you are like addicted to junk food." She said and gagged at the smell of rotten fries.

"Nooooo..."

"Then why do have all... these." She gagged again as she picked up a wrapper and sniffed. "This is like years old."

"Ziva, don't do that!" He said as he snatched the wrapper from her.

"What, criticize your junk food?" She asked as she raised her eyebrows.

"No, sniff that." He said and smiled hysterically. Then he pulled a greasy substance wrapped up and handed it to her.

"No thanks, it's not exactly kosher."

"Well it's better than that." He said as he pointed to the wrapper she had sniffed. After she shot him a confused glare...

"Say no to drugs, say yes to tacos."

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**A/N: Ok so, it was a quote from a wallpaper my friend sent me. I think it suited this conversation... If you don't get it, it's that she sniffed the wrapper, and that is how some drugs are taken... Anyways please review! And thanks for reading!:)**


	3. Theories from the Geek

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

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**Chapter Three**

"... And that is why I prefer blondes over brunettes." McGee finished stating his theory about women with blonde hair and Tony made a face.

"What's wrong?" McGee asked.

"I just don't agree with that." Tony said with a very weird expression covering his face.

"What my theory?"

"No, the fact that you actually have a theory about women." He said with a laugh.

"Hey." McGee said with a geek pout.

"Ok, I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion..."

"Thank you." McGee interrupted before he could finish.

"... It's just that yours is stupid."

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**A/N: Funny or not? Please review! Thanks for reading!:)**


	4. Abby's Abilities

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything! But I'm wondering why the three-year-old I babysit knows what a Mini-Cooper is, but can't turn the T.V. on... LOL!**

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**Chapter Four**

As the team was gathered in Abby's lab, (Labby), listening to Abby tell what she had found, Tony grazed his finger over major mass spec.

"DiNozzo! Hands off!" She said as she caught the movement out of her peripheral.

"Ma'am yes ma'am." He replied sarcastically.

"I think you are forgetting I can murder you and leave no forensic evidence." She replied matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, we hear it all the time Abs, and has it ever worked?"

"I have the ability, I just haven't practiced it yet. Would you like to be the guinea pig?" She asked as she attempted her best Gibbs glare at him.

"No thanks. But you've never tried it, so how do you know you won't get caught." He retorted as he eyed her suspiciously.

"Because Tony, I am a world-class forensic scientist." She shot back.

"But if you ever did get caught, it would be like the Energizer bunny getting caught and charged with battery."

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**A/N: I found this quote, and thought it was hilarious. Especially since she has called herself "the Energizer bunny of forensic science" before. LOL! Well, please review! I would love to hear what y'all think about my drabbles and such... Thanks for reading!:) **


	5. The Italian's Opinion

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

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**Chapter Five**

Ziva walks into the bullpen to find Tony playing Tetris on his phone.

"Tony, you are supposed to be working. What are you doing?" The israeli asked inquisitively.

"What have you been doing Ms. Dah-Veed?" He asked, eyebrow raised.

"I've been following a lead`FYA." She retorted.

"BTW it's FYI, what it FYA supposed to stand for?" The senior agent questioned.

"Whatever, stop changing the subject DiNozzo. Answer the earlier question." The former assasin replied as she gave him a steely-eyed glare, almost more threatening than Gibbs'.

"Well Zeeeevah, I'm playing Tetris." He finally answered.

"What?"

"Tetris, you know you have to stack the blocks on each other. Haven't you played?"

"Yes Tony, I have, I'm just wondering why you are playing Tetris when there is clearly a pile of paperwork on your desk." She squinted her eyes.

"Oh yeah, Probie, come get your paperwork." He called as McGee jolted his head up at the sound of his name.

"Tony..." McGee grumbled.

"He lost a bet, I don't have anything to do, so... I'm playing my game. I just have to beat one more level." He explained to Ziva as her face went back to normal than brightened up.

"I have work you can do." She said as she gave him a puppy dog face.

"Umm, no thanks. Who wants extra work? Besides, I heard hard work doesn't kill anyone, but I don't want to take my chances."

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**A/N: So... it just sounded like something Tony would say... haha! I know Tony has said all the lines so far, but that's because they seem like something in his vocabulary... Please review and tell me what you think! Thanks for reading!:)**


	6. Bare Arms

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

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**Chapter Six**

McGee strolled into Labby and Abby was no where in sight.

"Abs?"

"I'm in here!" She called from balistics.

"Are you decent?" He questioned, remembering the time she was changing and caught a glimpse of her back and cross tattoo. Ok, maybe more than just a glimpse. But he didn't mind...

"Yeah." She yelled and he wondered why, then he heard a shot go off. Thinking she was in trouble, he ran into the balistics lab, gun drawn, awaiting to see the imaginary person who fired the shot.

"Abby, what are you doing?" He questioned as he raced in to see Abby holding a gun that had recently been fired. He knew they didn't have a case, of course that's why he went to say hi. He was surprised._ Maybe she was working on a secret case. _

"I was just testing this gun." She said loudly and he realized that's why she was talking so loudly, she had earmuffs on. Black studded earmuffs with skulls on them. _She is hilarious._

"Why?" He inquired.

"Because, I just got it, and I wanted to make sure it worked good."

"You bought a gun?" He asked shocked.

"Yes Timmy, I wanted to support the right to bare arms." She replied matter-of-factly.

"Just wear short sleeves."

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**A/N: Ok, so as I promised, in this chapter McGee got to say the funny quote. I thought it was really funny, but I would like to know what you think! Please leave your review! Thanks for reading!**


	7. Reality Television

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

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**Chapter Seven**

"_So she was like, 'You know Bryce likes you' and I was like 'No way!' and she was like 'Yes way!" _The TV stopped as Ziva paused it and turned to Tony. They had another case involving a reality show, it was about valley girls and surfer guys. It seemed even more pointless to Ziva than Bootcamp Babes, the other reality show they had to watch.

"Tony, why do we have to watch this garbage?"

"Hey, take that back! It isn't garbage, it's romantical!" He replied with a cheesy grin. Saying that made Ziva crack up laughing.

"Ok, I don't know what show you are watching, but this is not 'romantical.'" She said and crunched her two fingers in imaginary quotation marks.

"Sure it is. You just have to look beyond... You see, Bryce likes Savannah, who really likes Jake, but Jake likes Ava. It's a perfect love triangle, it's in all the chick-flics. Besides, Tommy just asked Hannah on a date, they are going surfing then shopping, how romantic is that?" Tony replied looking at Ziva with a sarcastic grin. He knew she hated TV, and that she would rather read a book.

"I still don't get the point of reality television. It will always remain a mystery to me." She said as she shook her head.

"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

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**A/N: So... what did y'all think of this one? I'm not at all trying to make fun of the pilots or anything. It was just a quote. So... anyone got any suggetions you would like to submit? I'll make a story of your favorite quote! Please review! Thanks for reading!:)**


	8. Pizza vs Police

**Disclaimer: You thought I owned it? I wish! Don't!:(**

**Chapter Eight**

The team was investigating a new case. The victim had been dishonorably discharged. He was caught selling drugs. After his years in prison, he had a smart idea to get back in the business.. NOT! It got him killed!

"I guess they never learn." Tony said as he sighed.

"Tony, you are part of the collective 'they.'" McGee said as they entered the house. Tony frowned at him. They saw the local LEO's and went to question them on what went down.

_They were informed by a neighbour of yelling and the sound of things breaking. They went to check it out. When they got there, there was a pizza guy waiting, and knocking._

_"Look man, I don't think he's in there. I've been knocking for almost two minutes straight and ringing the doorbell. Trust me, he must be busy, if ya know what I mean." Came the voice of the pizza delivery guy. He was still kept for questioning._

The LEO's informed of everything, and all the info they got out of the pizza guy.

"He got the call at 7:34, got here at 7:46. One pepperoni, extra cheese." One of the LEO's was rambling about what they got already, which none of it was really relevant.

"And what time did y'all get the call?" McGee asked them. Maybe they would get something out of this.

"Well, now that I think about it, 7:34." One replied, astonished.

"I guess the pizza was a cover-up by the killer, but... Figures." Tony blurted out.

"What figures?" Ziva questioned. She was still confused with the American language.

"Well, Zeeevah, We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."

**A/N: Just thought it was funny! Ok, it's been awhile... sorry! Been really busy, even more so that I got back. Hoping to upload some more tomorrow! Hope I made you laugh!:)**


	9. Take a Hint

**A/N: This fast update is in response to RoseShadow17... thanks! **

**BTW: Italics are Tony's thoughts...**

**Disclaimer still applies...**

**Chapter Nine**

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"Hey Tony." Trina said as she walked his way.

"Lookin' hot today Trina." He said as he walked by, but stopped.

"Oh stop." She said as she snapped her hand playfully.

"We still on for Thursday night?" He asked, looking her up and down. He knew she loved attention.

"Of course babe." She said as she kept walking and slapped her butt. Tony whistled as he kept on walking to the elevator, but stopped again when he saw another girl.

"Hey Ana." He said, starting the conversation with this one. She was more of the quiet type.

"Hi Tony." She answered softly. _Man she's hot! Silent, but deadly. As in killer looks_.

"Tuesday, right?" He said as he winked.

"Yeah." She said, almost silently as she tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear. _Man, she's on fire!_

"Great." He said as he continued on his course, again.

This time, he saw someone he wasn't too fond of, Leslie. _She_ had been asking _him_ out for the past two years! The girl was a geek, but obviously not smart enough. She couldn't take a hint. He quickly got in the elevator to go up to the bullpen, and pressed the close door button five times. He knew she spotted him, it couldn't go un-noticed.

"Tony!" She practically screamed as she beelined it for the elevator. She squirmed past people, more like pushed. She reached the elevator just as it was closing. Luckily for her, she got a foothold in the doors, and they re-opened, to Tony's horror. _Great, just us two in this elevator for six floors. Aren't I lucky? NOT!_

"Hello." He said blankly. *Whoosh* The doors closed. _Great, just great._

"It's so good to see you." She tried to say seductively, but to Tony it was just disgusting. She began to play with his tie, but he kept to himself and tried to scoot away from her, not so subtly.

"Wow, look at you, all dressed up today." She commented. "Maybe, stay that way and I'll pick you up at seven, my treat." She said as they only had one more stop left.

"Sorry, I can't hang out. My uncle's cousin's sister-in-law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died, maybe next time." He said, and the elevator doors slid open, as if on cue.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's so sad. Send him my apologies. See you next time." She said as he walked out of there as fast as he could.

_Girls._

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**A/N: Sorry it was a little long, but I got the idea and ran with it... I thought the line was hilarious, but I would like to know what you think. Please leave a review, it will make me happy! And maybe earn another update today!:) Review!**

**-H**


	10. Driving Compliments

**A/N: Just a quick one to say thanks to everyone who has waited patiently, I'm so sorry! But here it finally is, and I'm working on more!:)**

**Disclaimer still applies...**

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"All I'm saying is that I'd rather not re-chew my lunch every time I go driving with you!" Tony said, exasperated.

"My driving is not as bad as others, thank you very much!" Ziva replied matter-of-factly.

"Well, I'm entitled to my own opinion. Actually, ask anyone. Why do you think they step out of your way? You're not the queen, you know that right? They just don't want to get hit."

"Rude!" she said as she slapped his arm.

"See! See what I mean! Even outside of the car and we have to steer clear. Don't even get me started on your parking!" he exclaimed as he backed away from her.

"I'll have you know someone actually complimented me the other day on that! They left a little pink note on my windsheild that '_Parking fine.' _They didn't pick it apart, they left a note of encouragement!"she told him as she got in his personal space.

"Ok, whatever you say."he said putting his hands in surrender, silently smirking.

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**A/N: LOL! Haha! Just thought it was funny, and something she would say...**

**Thanks for reading, please review!:)**

**Peace, Love, and NCIS!**

**-H**


	11. Indecisiveness

**A/N: I'm soooo sorry guys for not uploading sooner! Thanks for all the reviews and followers! It really made me happy!:) Like I said, I'm working on figuring out a set schedule... Anyways here it is!**

**The italics are McGee's mind, like what he is thinking... just to clear any confusion.**

**Disclaimer still applies...**

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"Tony, this is serious! Which one?"McGee questioned as he held up three similar but varying objects.

"I don't know, why are you asking me?"Tony replied, in amaze that McGee turned to him for things like this. Although knowing McGee, he didn't have many choices of opinions. He would be very brave if he dared ask Gibbs.

"I don't know, maybe because there is no one else here."he retorted sarcastically.

"Gee, thanks, I guess I'll just keep my opinion to myself if you don't want it." he said dejectedly.

"No, I want your opinion."McGee rebounded quickly.

"Now that wasn't so bad, huh?" Tony said with a smirk on his face.

"Tony, will you just tell me which one?"he said, slightly annoyned now.

"Well, I guess the red one, it's not entirely ugly."he said honestly.

"Tony, this tie is eggplant."McGee stated harshly.

"Geez McRainbow, sorry I don't have my degree in colors. Gosh! Whatever color it is, it looks best."Tony spat out, with of course his normal banter, and even throwing in a nickname.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little stressed. Thanks for your opinion."McGee confessed softly.

"Wow, must be some spectacular woman for you to worry this much over what you're wearing."Tony pointed out.

As he sees her in his mind, at work, with her music playing, her black pigtails bounce as her slightly pale complexion turns to face him. Oh how he has dreamed of his second chance...

"Yeah, yeah she is."he told Tony as he wore the biggest grin on his face.

"Well..."

"Well what, Tony?"McGee asked, slightly confused.

"Which tie are you going with?"

"I was thinking this moss-colored one, until you said eggplant, but then there is also this cerulean one, and I just don't know."he finally admitted, running his fingers through his hair accompanied by a sigh.

"How can you not decide? It's just a simple tie!"Tony said, somewhat exasperated by now.

"Well, I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure."

"Man, you have fallen hard."

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**A/N: Ok, so when I got the idea, I thought it sounded ok... but then I wrote it, and I'm just not sure. I would love to know what you think!**

**Thanks for reading, please review!:)**

**Peace, Love, and NCIS!**

**-H**


	12. Lists

**A/N: So, since I haven't uploaded in awhile, I decided to give you a double upload.:D**

**Disclaimer still applies...**

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"C'mon Ziva! Why not?"Tony begged.

"Because I like my apartment to myself, thank you very much!"Ziva responded, agitated.

"But I just need a place to stay for one night!"Tony continually pleaded.

"Tony I said NO!"she replied.

"But..."he whimpered like a lost child.

"Why don't you ask Gibbs?"she casually asked.

Her only answer was a glare from him.

"It wouldn't work out."she finally admitted truthfully.

"But Ziva, PLEASE...!"Tony uttered one last time.

He quickly shut up as she grabbed his arm, semi twisting it.

"Look, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list."she quietly threatened.

"Ok."Tony said in a soft squeak.

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**A/N: Thought it would be funny LOL! Please tell me what you think!**

**Thanks for reading, please review!**

**Peace, Love, and NCIS!**

**-H**


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